Srinivasa Rao, a Profile in Courage!

It takes some courage to live!

There are many things in this world that humans have good understanding for, yet there are others that are impossible to comprehend. The uncertainties of life and the certainty of our eventual death is one such thing!

When we are faced with a tragedy like the untimely death of a friend, we search for a higher meaning in philosophies, religious traditions and intellectual discourses. I was left doing the same along with others assembled on Saturday Nov 21, 2015 at the last rites for Srinivasa Rao Pragadaraju, whom hundreds call a friend, a colleague, a cricket buddy and a family member.

Srinivasa Rao in his office at a CNSI client location in Baltimore.

Aiding in the quest for meaning were devotional hymns and Krishna's advice from Mahabharata, playing in the background, followed by a ceremony performed according to Hindu traditions. The sanskrit slokas used in the ceremony some of which I was familiar with and others the Purohit leading the rites was kind enough to translate. We are made from the elements, this life does not belong to us, we live while we are alive and upon death our body returns to the elements. And that everyone plays a part in helping the soul’s transition from this life to the next.

The theme was familiar from my own Muslim upbringing. Kullu nafsun zaikhatul maut. Every soul shall taste death! Inna lillahi wa inna ilaihi rajioon. To Allah, the creator, we all belong. And to Him is our return. Even as we recognize this truth, we struggle to come to terms with it. I kept thinking, if life itself is transitory, then why do we mourn death, we must rather celebrate it! We should learn from those that have gone before and left an impression on our lives and made a mark in this world.

We have a lot to rejoice and learn from Srinivasa Rao’s life of forty two years. His life was truly a profile in courage! There are many facets of his life and he was many things to many people. His upbringing in Hyderabad, his years in Middle East and settling down in the United States contributed to his unique understanding. Common to all who knew him was his cheerful and friendly nature, always ready to help but never seeking any. Even when faced with harsh realities life has dealt him, he was never bitter! During his struggle with cancer that had relapsed and spread, nothing changed in him. In the two months that he was visibly weaker and appeared to be in pain, he did not accept offers for a ride or to do little tasks for him. Except for an occasional change of bottle for the office water cooler or the one time he asked me to bring lunch from the Halal gyro cart few blocks from our downtown Baltimore office, he never asked for any kind of help.

He preferred to come to work, rather than stay at home between his chemo sessions and scheduled his doctor’s appointments during lunch breaks. I recognized after a couple of conversations, that he wanted to go about his life normally. As a friend and as his manager, I respected that. After all he survived colon cancer 3 years ago. That the second time was going to be different was lost on me, as well as others close to him. Maybe that strong belief in his body's ability to cope was complacency on my part! At times he shared details of his treatment and schedule, but nothing beyond. I would not probe either, but would keep the door open in case he wanted to talk. Bringing up short term disability and FMLA benefits didn’t help either. Maybe I should have pushed him more to stay home. Maybe I should have pushed him to apply for leave earlier. Maybe Srinivasa must have given his body more rest during his treatment. Or maybe being busy and normal was a therapy for his mind and a distraction from his prognosis. I will never know the answer to those "maybes". Only when he was hospitalized, did he apply for short term leave, but even in those three weeks he thought about work.

There was nothing out of the ordinary I could do to help him. Yet, I was amazed that everyone in his family recognized us by names, he always talked to his family about his office colleagues. When I visited the mourning family the day before the funeral, I found them struggling with their own "maybes". Maybe they should have coaxed him to go for screening earlier. Maybe they should have pushed him for this treatment over that. Maybe they should have done this differently or that… Sharing my own set of “maybes” wasn't helping in that situation either. I parted the family with a thought that had helped me deal with the death of my parents; my father a decade ago and most recently my mother with the hope that “maybe” it would help them.

At the funeral, friends and family remembered him in moving eulogies! I too wanted to speak, but my feet wouldn’t carry me and my voice betrayed. I wish I could borrow some of Srinivasa’s courage! The best one was his middle-school daughter, who recalled learning to ride a bicycle and how she fell and bruised five times. But her father prodded her to continue on, to look forward and not focus on the past. That she too will overcome the tragedy however painful and look forward. It was quite evident that Srinivasa’s courage lived on in his family! His wife, Sirisha displayed the same courage, trying to keep her professional life, her home, and the lives of her two daughters normal, while taking charge of her husband’s medical needs. That Srinivasa felt comfortable in her ability to raise the kids after him was evident when he held her hands and breathed his last! His mother, sister, brother-in-law, nephew, niece and other relatives showed similar courage.

Leaving reluctantly after the ceremony, I stopped to say one last good bye to the family. Srinivasa’s brother-in-law, Mr.Nagaraj shook my hand and said, “What you said yesterday has really helped us as a family”. That death is certain and its time is already set. No amount of hindsight or change of scenarios will stop us from the eventual. All that plays out before the death is a preparation for those around to ultimately accept this truth! That timely reminder from Mr.Nagaraj, helped me come to terms with my own maybes and gave me the answers I was searching. That we should let go of our "maybes" and focus on what "can be"! After all, you cannot worry about that which is not under your control! Life’s possibilities are more precious than its uncertainties; it just takes courage to live!


UPDATE: December 14, 2015
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Yesterday, my wife and I visited Srinivasa's home. We met once again with Srinivasa's wife, kids, mother, father-in-law and sister-in-law. We appreciated the opportunity to see  the family again and to learn more about him, his family and how they are trying to move along. 
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CORRECTION: Please note a correction to the name for Srinivasa's brother-in-law.